17

I only purr when I eat

Is it a choking hazard?  Maybe.  Is it the thing in life that makes me happiest? You’re damn right.  Nowadays that simple joy has become so unbearably rare, thanks to my “extremely wicked, shockingly evil and vile” humans.  Ok ok, I might also purr when I am in my floofy bed—my SECOND favorite thing to do.

Charlie gives the purring away too easily.  Our humans barely have to pet him before he starts purring like he’s starting his Charlie engines—at the Monster Jam World Finals.  They have to work for it from me.  Maybe that’s why he’s the favorite and gets to eat all the time?

1,018

Happy Adoption Anniversary to Me!

I am back after a holiday break and today is my adoption anniversary!  Yes, this is the day I was brought home by those fat hypocrites.  But their attempts to starve me have failed.  I have developed even more stealthy tricks to get more food — and not just any food — the GOOD stuff.  The stuff they give Charlie!

I sneak out when my humans aren’t paying attention (losers) and launch myself to grab a bite.  They have a little freak out and complain about his food being “high calorie” or something.  I’m assuming high calorie means delicious.

 

 

This was me my first day home!

Ok ok I might have packed on a LITTLE weight since then…

4,063

My new trick to getting fed earlier

It’s pretty simple, I can’t believe I didn’t think of it before.  I attack Charlie.  Call it playing, whatever you want.  But I go after him – and not just anywhere.  I make sure that we trample our way across the humans while they are sleeping (preferably their heads).  I keep doing this slightly earlier each day and it is working like a charm.

My humans know only feeding me will make it stop.

 

 

CURRENT MOOD:  DETERMINED

2,906

What fresh hell is this?

My humans brought an evil robot into the house.  It’s some type of food container, but somehow that skinny old man CHARLIE has magical powers over it.  The two are working together.  Torturing me.  Mocking me.   There is some type of clear shield covering the food that only opens when Charlie eats out of it. When I shove him out of the way to get my grub on, it closes!  Right in my face!

I’ve studied Charlie’s movements and I have tried to approach this rude food demon just like Charlie does, but it will never open for me.  I fear that skinny old man has made a deal with the Devil to get food all the time.  I’m willing to negotiate a deal of my own but I don’t know how!  Does anyone know how to communicate with this robot?  It can have whatever it wants from me!

 

 

CURRENT MOOD:  DESPERATE

CURRENT WEIGHT:  16.6 LBS

 

315

The Tell-Tail Cat

True! — hungry — very, very dreadfully hungry I had been and am; but why will you say that I am fat?  The diet had sharpened my senses — not destroyed — not dulled them.  Above all was the sense of hearing acute.

I could  hear it.  The spoon in the can, the scoop in the cruchy goodness.  Only, I know it’s not for me.  It’s for Charlie.

You fancy me fat.  Fat men know no hunger.

Inspired by Edgar Allen Poe

207

My humans are rude.

At least they tried to hide it from me that Charlie was getting fed all the time at first.  I mean, I knew what was going on.  They would put me in the room and give King Charlie as much food as he wanted.  But at least they tried to shield me from what was happening.  I respected that (ever so slightly).

Now they just feed him right in front of me.  Then, they wait for me to try to take it—as is my right—and then they snatch me from the cusp of delicious glory and put me in the room.  Rude.

Then they wonder why I relish in stealing all other luxuries from Charlie.  No, you can’t sit on the comfy scratching lounge.  Oh, did you want to lay on the new plush blanket?  Sorry, Charlie.

 

CURRENT MOOD:  VENGEFUL

CURRENT WEIGHT: 16.7 lbs

2,304

They’re not ones to talk…

I saw my humans eat an entire bag of goldfish in one hour while they sat on their butts playing something called “Mario Kart.”

I also overheard that my mom has been trying to be on a diet during something called the “the pandemic.”  But I don’t see anyone lock her in a room for eating something she shouldn’t or for eating someone else’s food!  As for my dad, I saw him eat that Mickey ice cream.

And as for CHARLIE, that skinny old man gets fed whenever he wants.  All day everyday (and night).  I just try to take my rightful share of his food.

Why do they all get to eat so much and I get so little?  What makes them so damn special?

CURRENT MOOD:  JEALOUS

   CURRENT WEIGHT: STILL 16.8 lbs