Knocking their stuff to the ground is my new favorite hobby (since eating can no longer be my hobby). They had this coming. Enjoy.
It’s pretty simple, I can’t believe I didn’t think of it before. I attack Charlie. Call it playing, whatever you want. But I go after him – and not just anywhere. I make sure that we trample our way across the humans while they are sleeping (preferably their heads). I keep doing this slightly earlier each day and it is working like a charm.
My humans know only feeding me will make it stop.
CURRENT MOOD: DETERMINED
My humans brought an evil robot into the house. It’s some type of food container, but somehow that skinny old man CHARLIE has magical powers over it. The two are working together. Torturing me. Mocking me. There is some type of clear shield covering the food that only opens when Charlie eats out of it. When I shove him out of the way to get my grub on, it closes! Right in my face!
I’ve studied Charlie’s movements and I have tried to approach this rude food demon just like Charlie does, but it will never open for me. I fear that skinny old man has made a deal with the Devil to get food all the time. I’m willing to negotiate a deal of my own but I don’t know how! Does anyone know how to communicate with this robot? It can have whatever it wants from me!
CURRENT MOOD: DESPERATE
CURRENT WEIGHT: 16.6 LBS
True! — hungry — very, very dreadfully hungry I had been and am; but why will you say that I am fat? The diet had sharpened my senses — not destroyed — not dulled them. Above all was the sense of hearing acute.
I could hear it. The spoon in the can, the scoop in the cruchy goodness. Only, I know it’s not for me. It’s for Charlie.
You fancy me fat. Fat men know no hunger.
Inspired by Edgar Allen Poe
At least they tried to hide it from me that Charlie was getting fed all the time at first. I mean, I knew what was going on. They would put me in the room and give King Charlie as much food as he wanted. But at least they tried to shield me from what was happening. I respected that (ever so slightly).
Now they just feed him right in front of me. Then, they wait for me to try to take it—as is my right—and then they snatch me from the cusp of delicious glory and put me in the room. Rude.
Then they wonder why I relish in stealing all other luxuries from Charlie. No, you can’t sit on the comfy scratching lounge. Oh, did you want to lay on the new plush blanket? Sorry, Charlie.
CURRENT MOOD: VENGEFUL
CURRENT WEIGHT: 16.7 lbs
That’s the entire point of humans, right? Did I just end up with the most useless humans in the world? But, then again, CHARLIE gets fed ALL DAY. It’s like we’re all just living in king Charlie’s world.
CURRENT MOOD: PEEVED
I saw my humans eat an entire bag of goldfish in one hour while they sat on their butts playing something called “Mario Kart.”
I also overheard that my mom has been trying to be on a diet during something called the “the pandemic.” But I don’t see anyone lock her in a room for eating something she shouldn’t or for eating someone else’s food! As for my dad, I saw him eat that Mickey ice cream.
And as for CHARLIE, that skinny old man gets fed whenever he wants. All day everyday (and night). I just try to take my rightful share of his food.
Why do they all get to eat so much and I get so little? What makes them so damn special?
CURRENT MOOD: JEALOUS
CURRENT WEIGHT: STILL 16.8 lbs
I’m just as happy rolling around on my back swatting at the feathers. It’s fun to watch them try though.
CURRENT MOOD: AMUSED
CURRENT WEIGHT: 16.8 lbs
Today started like any other. My tummy started grumbling and I woke up my humans like I always do – by eating my mom’s hair and chewing on my dad’s beard.
Then, one of my humans put me in a container and took me to see strangers. They seemed nice enough. That is, until one of them put a stick up my butt. After a few minutes, a man came in. He seemed to be the leader of these butt intruders. He talked to my human for a little while. I overheard something like “gained 8 pounds in 6 months” and “obese.” Who knows? I was just happy to be back in the container and away from all the butt play. Plus, I was getting hungry.
We got home and that’s when it started. The torture. The starvation. The cruelty. My mom poured a microscopic amount of food in my bowl, almost too small for the naked eye to see. I gobbled it up and looked around for the rest of my meal. But there was no more food to be found. I thought maybe they didn’t realize I wanted—no, I needed—more food. I tried to tell them! I circled my bowl screaming at the top of my lungs the entire day.
CURRENT MOOD: ANGRY
CURRENT WEIGHT: 17.2 lbs